a pseudo-internet-dating-apology of sorts...

this is for Vincent, Pete, Rickey, Eric, Ken, Mike, Greg and the myriad nameless others...

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, and misrepresentation - it wasn't intentional, and I'm not sure if there even was any. Let me explain. You saw my picture, my 'resume', my profile, on some webpage, and thought I was intriguing, appealing, attractive, witty or something along those lines. You contacted me, trying to get to know me, and we may have had a conversation that was stimulating, or at least interesting.

So, to head off all excessive anticipation, I sent you a full-length picture, or agreed to meet you in person.

It was all over your face, all in the unsent emails, missing IM's and unringing phone. Somehow, the reality of me doesn't live up to the digital image, the profile, the resume, or the idea of me. It's ok, as I said before, I understand - we all have a certain aesthetic we find appealing. But just because I understand, doesn't make this (somewhat) constant rejection hurt any less.

Someone asked me if I believed in love at first sight, or love at first "talk-to". And I answered untruthfully. I said I believed in the possibility, but it had never happened to me. The truthful answer is no - because somehow once someone actually gazes upon my visage in person, whatever connection we had is lost.

In any event, I don't harbor any ill will toward you, as I said, I understand. And while I think I'm pretty, and know that the resume is 'tight', I also know that somehow I have to do some things, to make the two match.

In the meantime, I just don't have the overwhelming desire to continue to see that reaction - you know - the one you think you've sufficiently hidden...I just don't want to see that reaction on another person's face, in another unanswered email or IM.

I'm exiting the game (retiring from dating for a while) before I begin to undermine my confidence, and start questioning my self-worth. I sincerely hope that you all find the person that you're looking for.

meditations of a chick on a diet

I want some grits.

I want some grits, despite the "diet". Grits in and of themselves aren't bad for you. Skip the butter, and I'm fine - grits are fine.

They'd taste better with the butter though. And some cheese eggs on the side, and maybe some bacon. Toast. Coffee.

OK - you're trippin' - just have the grits.

NONONONONO - you're fasting, you're not supposed to eat ANYTHING - cleansing the colon, remember?

But they're grits, man - just grits. Prolly not even 100 calories in 1/2 a cup.

Yo, you know this is how the binge begins - the rationalization. Try on the Dress, it will make you focus.

<tries on dress> doesn't fit in the slightest - can't even button the buttons over the chest. BUT, it's cute - very cute.

<tries on jacket over dress> now this actually kinda fits - it's small, but you can get it on. Worry about buttoning it in a few weeks.

Yeah, if I have those grits - in a few weeks I'll be in the same position, and these buttons won't be any closer together.

Ok, I'll have the salt water flush instead. Make some lemonade, and get on that ellipse.

My new philosopy on diet (and one of the main reasons I'm fasting - not for the weight loss): Bingeing (not the grits) = bad, self-control (not the SWF) = good. Any questions?

top XX ways to not get to know me...

Yes, I'm on a list binge this week.

The online dating jawn...I gotta admit, I have some real pet peeves. Here are a few:

ways to make sure you can't get at me...

• misspell. even simple words. add a few grammatical errors and I'm sure to pass


• take your shirt off. 'specially if you have a chicken chest, or man breasts.


• proposition me with some sexual reference


• better yet, invite me to join you and your girlfriend/wife


• write your own poetry or pornoetry. talk about how talented you are, and then make sure you use the words "conscious, Queen, moon, sun, stars, and pu$$y" all in the same poem...oh, don't let me forget...


• ...refer to me as a Queen - period. that's original


• tell me how funky my attitude is from my pics/email/profile/website. wow, you're astute - you figured that all out by yourself? you ain't even need to actually meet me to figure that one, eh?


• be shallow...be very, very shallow...


• holla at me real strong, then be completely unable to carry on a conversation. be unfunny, un-engaging, and generally uninteresting. then ask me what's wrong.


• take a pic in a red suit, with a red shirt, tie, hat, shoes, socks, and probably red drawz. or shop at any store that offers package deals (buy a suit, and we'll throw in some gators for free). ok, so yes, I have a little shallow in me.


• wear dress shoes sans socks. that's attractive


• take a picture with your overpriced luxury vehicle, SUV or your motorcycle. or better yet, take the pic of just the vehicle, and leave yourself out of it


• send me a pic of you & your crew, and then don't identify which one you are. or the one you cut/tried to cut your ex out of. best of all, don't send me a pic


• even better - Take a pic wearing promotional items from your favorite porno magazine/site, you know the stuff you get free for having a lifetime subscription or buying X number of videos? that gets me really HOTT!!!


• or better yet, don't have a pic at all. not online, not offline. despite conventional thinking, I understand that everyone has a preferred aesthetic, and that their personality doesn't supersede their appearance. in other words, I understand everyone has likes - and that's equally important as what's inside. I also have likes, and if you want me to respond, er - I need to see you.


• be caucasian. I like BROTHAS, dammit!!!!!


• be/look to be over 43, or under 30. I'm 38. At times I may not even look 30...keep that in mind. <<edited to add:: I had to lower that number, because y'all ain't getting it. It ain't that I like younger men. It's that I like attractive, vibrant, energetic men. Some of y'all are in some serious denial about the age thing, for real...


• talk about yourself incessantly without ever asking me about me. and don't let me get a word in edgewise. yeah, that's a turn-on


• if the best quality that you have to offer is the fact that you're not a Loser (for those of you who are not sure, this means that in your ad you state that you're "single, never married, no kids, drug & drama-free") and that's ALL you have to offer, then you probably are a Loser. Go, work on your personality, live a little, determine what your Qualities are (intelligence, sincerity, compassion, wit, etc.) and get back to me when you have a list. No, seriously. No really, I'm serious.


• state that i should be grateful for the pleasure of your company, cause you don't usually date big girls - but you like me. yeeaahhh - ok.

Am I gonna front? Nah - I know this list will grow. Those XX in the title are there for a reason...

Disclaimer:: what's posted in this blog is the semi-sarcastic comments of a woman we're not sure is completely sane, or serious. Break or follow the above rules with caution...

things to do before I turn 40

It's less than 22 months away, and it's a pretty formidable list. However, if I accomplish even a few - that's enough of an accomplishment for me. This is a start - I reserve the right to edit it as necessary and note that it's in no particular order.

The List::

• Get a passport, and at least 1 stamp in it.


• Buy a house.


• Have a decadent, weekend fling in the Chicago LakeShore W hotel. Preferably with my future husband.
  
• Volunteer at least 8 hours/month for 6 months working with teenage AA girls.


• Take a cruise.


• Kick a$$ and take names in Madden 200X.


• Wear really tight black leather pants while kicking a$$ & taking names in Madden 200X. And look really good in them.


• Own a pistol. Legally. And know how to use it.


• Write the book that's rolling around in my skull like a marble.


• Visit the Motherland (no, I'm not German - I'm talking about Africa).


• Learn to scuba dive.


• Lose 100+ lbs.


• Make love naked in the ocean.


• Walk the Peach'. Yeah, I said it. WALK the Peachtree Road Race (hey, I'm being realistic - I know I can't run it within the next 2 years, so...).


• Celebrate Carnival, preferably in a country where Carnival is a BIG DEAL.


• Dance in the moonlight, in a ballgown, with my hair in a
• chignõn.


• Graduate from college.


• Get married.


• Ride a horse.


• Learn how to play golf/tennis/both.

I'm making moves to accomplish some of the ones I haven't accomplished as we speak. If you'd like to join me, leave a comment.

my ideal space

I was chatting with a brotha today, and our conversation (along with watching Deliver Us From Eva - which wasn't half bad), got me thinking about what I want from a man, from a long-tem relationship, and from my home.

I'm looking for an honest, committed relationship with a brotha
that will allow me to be tender and vulnerable
when the world demands that I be strong
a brotha who will embrace my fragility
when the world requires that I be resilient
someone that I can be myself with...
because the world can be demanding
but my relationships shouldn't be that way

I want my space, my relationship
to be my haven
from a world that doesn't try to understand or comfort me
my space, my relationship, my partner does
I've proven that I'm strong, that I'm intelligent, that I'm driven
but I've found it hard to find a space that will let my soul rest
so I created it in my home
and I'll create it in my relationship
if I find that someone who will let me...

metamorphosis

It's about time. It's about life. It's about growth (obviously). And it's about making the outer me, match the inner me. It's about wrapping this fabulous gift - because that's what I believe I am, a jewel...in a Tiffany setting, as opposed to the plain brown wrapper I'm currently wrapped in.

I've been putting this off for a while - not excusing what I've physically become, but I've had higher priorities. Now, this is my highest priority. I want to be the best me, completely, that I can possibly be. That means emotionally - which I believe I am, mentally - and I'll be damned if I haven't made a huge change there, and physically. Yes, physically.

As an aside, if I weren't already motivated enough to do this on my own, my attempts at dating & replacing JC definitely are even more compelling. Ok, enuff PC-ness for one blog - I'm getting shot down by ninjas that I wouldn't normally give the friggin' time of day. Enuff is enuff.

And it feels good, to get movin'. That first week was r-o-u-g-h. The second week, not so rough. And that last time at work - that was FUN! It feels good to make strides toward that goal - even if the goal is pretty far away - it still feels good to make some steps toward it.

Oh, the goal - you probably want to know what that is, right?

When I moved to GA, I inadvertently lost a lil weight. I wasn't the size I am now, but I still accidentally lost some weight. Some combination of running the streets, hitting the clubs, and being too busy to eat wrong (Ruby Tuesday's salad bar was my best friend) got me down to a size 12-14. Flat stomach (no six-pack, but still), defined biceps, firm thighs, etc.


That's my goal. Not for anything, but I didn't have to try hard to reach that back then. Now, I KNOW I have to try really hard, since I'm not on the Clubbin'3X/week exercise program, and I have to cook for my son regardless. But, I was in the best physical shape of my life then, and I wasn't starving myself, or on diet pills, and I maintained that for a LOOOOONNNGGGG time. And although I've changed a lot, I don't feel much different than I did then.

It begins...



Wish me strength y'all.

dating & sincerity

I'm beginning to think it's a lost art. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. Your words have merit. Your word is your bond. Etc. Etc.

My intent is to date again - JC is an afterthought (well, I do have to get some getback, don't I?), and I'm ready to move on. But, the game has changed, and I'm left struggling.

All I want is to have some simple, honest, old-fashioned, uncomplicated fun with someone I'm attracted to. That's apparently too much to ask for. From the vulgar sexual advances, to the insincere approaches (you are GORGEOUS) that lead to the insincere follow up ("Hello, is this Summer?" Who da hell is Summer?) or the standup (I lined up 3 dates for Friday, and 2 stood me up - had to cancel the last one because I was sick). I'se tired.

I want to go shoot pool, or go to the gun range, play a round of miniature golf, run through the park fountain, Chicago step (preferably in Chicago), listen to Frankie Beverly in the park, walk along the beach holding hands looking at the ocean, watch a movie with my head on someone's shoulder. That's it. Simple. I'm not looking for my future husband (not everyone is worthy), just someone to chill with. Brothas are truly making me feel like I'm asking for too much, and settling for too little (if I hear another man whine about gold-diggin broads, and in the same breath ask me about why I don't relax my hair, I will scream! You knew she was high-maintenance when u met her). I'm a catch, I know I'm a catch, and if u can't see that - push on, and make room for the brotha behind you that will.

I have had Punchline tickets for almost a year, and at the rate I'm going, I may not use them before they expire.

ch...ch…ch…ch…changes…

I'm pruning ppl from my life again - by choice, and by circumstance.

I finally let SG have my full wrath after a late night booty-call, and me having to explain to JC why the phone rang at 3am. The fact that SG referred to me as his "sis" one day, and would call me wanting some a$$ another, frustrated me more than I could stand. I had an idea of how shallow SG could be after some comments he made about wanting a "good" woman, and that definition including his aversion for "big" (well, bigger than size 10) women. However, his self-centered "what's the big deal" response was more than I could take. And the fact that he accidentally revealed some falsehoods he presented to me while wanting me to intervene between his loony bi-sexual side chica, and his baby-mama (like his not getting his degree, borrowing $$$ from one chick to give to the other and whether or not he has another child) didn't help either. All in all, he took more than he offered, so the label "Opportunist" was accurate. No huge loss.

However, he's not the only person I cut back. JS is out - after he & I argued about favor balance. I do him a solid, and tell him he owes me one. I ask him to do me a solid, and have to remind him, which he does grudgingly and half-a$$ed, then cusses me out for asking for the favor in the first place. Oh yes, he cussed yours truly out, while I was at work, and hung up on me. Again, no huge loss.

And the drift-aways, like Sadat. Common background doesn't seem to overcome dissimilar current ground, and I just couldn't figure how to fix that. Ali, Fee-Fee…some I outgrew, some we were just too busy to connect.

But K...that's a whole different story.

The not-so-quick & dirty: K was my best female friend in the South, bar none. I thought we shared common values, likes, dislikes and experiences. And K had R (her baby daddy) whose mental was similar to FL (my baby daddy). R was FL's doppelganger - edumacated to FL's street knowledge; responsible to FL's immaturity. Or so we thought, until R started behaving like FL - abusive, misogynistic, in denial - the whole nine. So I tried to be a friend, told her to move on to the next guy, and when T showed up, I applauded it. I told K: "go and get your groove on, girl". Next thing I knew, R was outta the picture, and T was in, and K & T were playing house and planning the future.

I thought to myself, that it happened too fast, and that brothas morphing outta the woodwork with no past (T had little family, or friends to speak of) is always a bad thing. But K was happy, and I wanted to be supportive. So, did it surprise me when K called me the first time, to tell me T had pinned her to the wall & threatened her? Nah, not really. And when the other phone calls came - possible drugs, $$$ & T disappearing from her area - I also wasn't surprised. K was on the rebound when she met T, and the remix to drama is usually more dramatic than the original version, yanno? When K told me she wanted to move back here, I was like "sure, stay here with me" and gave her a key. Foolish of me.

What did surprise me was her over-the-top performance at my graduation dinner. You would've thought it was to honor her - spending her last bit of change to look fabulous (hair, nails, and some bling), regaling us with positive stories about her fiancé and how "good" he was. I sat there, thinkin' "isn't this the same ninja u were just crying hysterically about not even 24 hours ago cause he punked you for your bill $$$?" When K & I sat down and talked about her issues - not T (he's a symptom), but the bigger problem (her controlling her life, deciding what to do with it instead of allowing things to happen to her), she was really resistant, and not taking my (IMHO) constructive criticism (or so I thought) to heart or in the spirit with which I was offering it. The bottom line, IMHO, but in K's own words, was "The funny thing is - if he got help, I'd be back with him tomorrow". < sigh >

She stopped talking to me after the graduation fête. Left a voicemail message about being in jail behind a missed court date (that she never mentioned previously), and I haven't heard from her for 3+ weeks. Some of her things are in my apt, and I'll deliver them to her family. My daughter saw K & T together a few days ago. I saw that one coming - it was a matter of time before they recreated the image of domesticity. I'm second-guessing the whole thing now - wondering if K was more drama-queen than Diva, which would explain her partial estrangement from her family, her aunt suing her, etc...etc…and again, I'm thinking No Huge Loss.

The point:: ppl are either dropping like flies, or I'm sweeping them out like dirt on my doorstep - they betta not come in and defile my sacred space.

The prob:: I'm not replacing them. It's not like I'm opening myself to new friends. Not wholly interested in creating new relationships. There's VH, who can be cool, but also can be shallow (she reminds me of SG at times - caught up with appearances). Other than that, and the guys I may/may not date (and I ain't opening up to them either), I haven't been trying to reach out and touch anyone. And I haven't for a long time.

I really am not that Intj - notice below that I, NTJ all = 50%. The I for introversion is a conscious effort to shut ppl out, and prevent me from getting hurt. I'm not quiet, and only selectively anti-social. I rationalize that I just don't want just any-ole-body in my area.

I hope also that I'm not attracting what I reflect (drama, shallowness, etc).

I need to consciously be more selective about who I let into my life. Friends like E & J (not the brandy) - who are both singularly real, and embody what I want to be - positive & open-minded, yet not an eternal optimist, with some realism/cynicism and pragmatism thrown in - are what I want to surround myself with. And knowing how critical I am of self, I know I am also that judgmental about the friends I deal with. I just want to be a better judge of character, and select my "peeps", my inner circle, my support system and sanctum, better. And I don't want to cut ppl out unnecessarily, and without merit.

This all stems from FL...I have to write about FL soon, which will explain a lot of things.